


is your bedroom ceiling bored

by coffeecrowns



Category: Rusty Quill Gaming (Podcast)
Genre: Closeted Character, Consent Issues, Cuddling & Snuggling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Heteronormativity, Hopeful Ending, Internalized Acephobia, Kissing, Mental Health Issues, Other, Pre-Canon, Sex Work, Touch-Starved, Zolf is mechanically sad idk what to tell u
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-28
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:22:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29762346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffeecrowns/pseuds/coffeecrowns
Summary: Arocacing the line day 7: Discovery!Brand new navy member Zolf Smith comes into port with a point to prove. It does not go as planned.
Relationships: Celiquillithon "Cel" Sidebottom & Zolf Smith, Celiquillithon "Cel" Sidebottom/Zolf Smith
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19
Collections: AroAceing the Line





	is your bedroom ceiling bored

**Author's Note:**

> Hi y'all! 
> 
> I don't know enough of the timeline of Cel's backstory, so just pretend the timelines match up here for them to meet like this!
> 
> A discussion of internalized aphobia, heteronormativity, and consent issues in this fic:  
> \- zolf doesn't know that it's possible to be ace and assumes there is something wrong with him  
> \- this combined with peer pressure from other crew members causes him to force himself into a sexual scenario he doesn't want to be in  
> \- this scenario doesn't get past kissing (which zolf is fairly comfortable with) and starting to undress zolf, when the partner clues in and activities stop

Zolf knows he wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for the fact he's the youngest and the smallest on the ship. He’s new, barely six months aboard. He hasn’t seen another dwarf in that entire time. Hasn’t seen anyone who isn’t a human either, for that matter. 

“Diversity,” the Meritoractic navy agent told him. Apparently he was it. 

Everyone talks about sex. Zolf would consider himself passively curious about the activities in question, and thought everyone his age back home was like  _ that  _ because it was a new and forbidden thing. He thought it would die down once people grew up. 

It has not. 

Dwarven constitution means he can drink any of them under the table (and he will, later on in his career) but he mostly doesn’t want to rock the boat. Still, he’s decently intoxicated late one night, the conversation turns to sex and their upcoming shore leave, and the famous brothels they will visit. 

“What about you, Smith? Gotten any action yet?” It’s one of the gunners, Atwi, friendly to a fault. He probably wouldn’t bring it up if he knew how the question twisted in Zolf’s stomach. 

“He’s just a kid,” Janssen chides. That’s even worse, because Zolf is an adult, damnit, he works hard, deserves his rank, and Janssen is kind of an asshole. 

“He’s just as much an adult as any of us, Janssen,” Atwi replies. “Don’t be dick. It’s fine if you haven’t-” 

“I have,” Zolf says, a bold faced lie. Both Atwi and Janseen stare, as do the other men he’s playing cards with. “Not everything. But enough.” He tries to backpedal. Janssen laughs uproariously. 

“Yeah, I’m sure you’ve kissed your pretty girlfriend back home. When you’re ready to grow up, we can show you the places to go.” He down what’s left of his drink and staggers off. 

Zolf has, in fact, kissed three people back home, a girl who’s gone off to university to study maths, and two boys he tries not to think about. He does not say anything about this. Atwi takes the look on his face to mean some sort of hurt, which is fair. He’s probably imagining some breakup, some broken hearted people left behind. Zolf isn’t going to correct him now, when it would just make things worse. 

“Sorry,” Atwi says. “I wouldn’t have said anything if-”

“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” Atwi probably will, if Zolf has judged him correctly. He feels worse about it all. Fine. Next shore leave he’ll go find out what all the fuss is about. 

By the docks, there’s a collection of obvious brothels. Zolf watches which one Janssen goes to, walks in the opposite direction, and into a small sitting room, hazy with smoke, with a large man standing in the corner like a security officer. Right. There’s a few women about, but Zolf hasn’t actually gotten farther in this plan than getting inside. So he sits down and tries to think it through. 

After some time - there’s no clock anywhere - a person sits beside him. 

“Heya handsome,” says an unfamiliar accent, from a tall person that Zolf would guess to be a half-elf. They’re quite a bit taller than him, bubble with a sort of liveliness Zolf hasn’t known since before Feryn- well. It’s an easy contentedness that Zolf could relax in. He feels a little bit better about this whole thing if they are the other person involved. 

“Hey,” he says, trying to lower his voice. They give him a smile. 

“My name is Cel. Do you wanna come upstairs with me?” 

He can’t bring himself to speak, but he nods, and when they offer out their hand, he takes it. 

He hasn’t held anyone's hand in so long. He hasn’t had any real physical content with anyone in so many long months. Sometimes he gets a pat on the shoulder from a crewmate, sometimes he walks someone too drunk to stand back to barracks. But nothing like this, deliberate and kind, an offering of sorts. 

He’s still nervous when they reach a bedroom. He can’t imagine Cel sleeps there, but it’s a bed in a room, and Zolf really only knows the one word for this set up. There’s some soft looking linen on the bed, dark curtains and a few nice smelling candles. He takes a step towards Cel, trying to prove something, even if it’s just to himself, and they move to meet him. They place a hand on his cheek, and it burns with a gentle warmth, and telegraph their movement towards him. 

“Got a name, handsome?” 

“Zolf,” he manages. 

Then they kiss him, and this at least, is familiar. Cel is very good at it, even if their mouth tastes unfamiliar in every way possible. It certainly isn’t bad. Zolf isn’t entirely sure what’s next. He knows roughly how this is supposed to end up, but he has no idea how anyone gets from point A to point B. 

And then Cel is unbuttoning his shirt. They pause after a single one, and Zolf kisses back harder, probably harder than is enjoyable, but he has to get through this. Cel manages a few more buttons, and then places their hand on his chest. 

Their hand on his bare chest. 

No one has ever touched him like this before. It’s like there’s real kindness in it, even though nothing about this is real. Zolf is a client and Cel is just doing their work. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But Zolf wants someone to touch him like this and mean it, and he doesn’t want this to go any further, not with how overwhelming this all is. He doesn’t want to be a kid and he doesn’t want Janssen to be right and he doesn’t want to have to do this. 

And to his shock and horror, he bursts into tears. He’s never been a loud crier, but it’s undeniable that he is sobbing, with the way his breathing hitches with a wet gasp, and the way tears run down his face. Cel takes in his face, and he has to watch them react, and that's even worse, so he starts apologizing, which only makes him cry harder. 

It feels like he can’t breathe even as he’s stammering out, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” to Cel, who doesn’t say anything but gets him sitting on the bed, and then takes their hands away. 

“Hey little buddy, it’s all okay. I’m not mad or anything like that.” 

They are so gentle, and it soothes a part of him, but enrages the part of his brain that is already angry, not at them, but at Janssen and especially himself. 

“Can you tell me what upset you so I don’t do it again?”

And Zolf doesn’t know how to answer that question, but he wants so badly to touch them again, but he doesn’t want it to be weird because he’s paying for sex, not whatever this is, and he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do. 

“Hey, Zolf, I’d like to give you a hug if that’s okay, but I need you to let me know. I won’t touch you unless you say it’s okay.” 

Zolf nods so hard it nearly hurts, and Cel has a sad smile in their voice as they slowly move their arms around him, telling him it’s okay. 

They were tall and slight leading him here, but wrapped in their arms, he can tell they are really quite strong, and he can almost believe them. 

He gets his breathing under control, focusing on the sound of their heartbeat by his head, still wrapped in their arms. He’s still crying a bit, but it’s just tears, and they aren’t like before. It’s just a release. 

“Doing any better, Zolf?” Cel asks. 

“Yeah,” he says, and his voice sounds wrecked but solid. Workable. 

“Right, okay, do you want to talk about it? You don’t have to, but it might be nice if I’m an outsider to whatever is happening in your life? Or we don’t have to talk? Sorry, what do  _ you _ want me to do?” 

Zolf lets out a breath. He’s thinking, now that his brain is back with the program. This situation can’t get anymore humiliating, so he might as well explain.   
“I’ve never done this before. Never really wanted to, but you’re supposed to. Supposed to be good. Figured I’d give it a go and find out what all the fuss is about,” it sounds stupid, saying it all out. Zolf kind of wishes he could disappear, but he’s still in Cel’s arms and it is warm and nice, and he’d sooner cut off a limb than voluntarily leave their arms. 

“Zolf,” Cel sighs. “Not everyone wants to have sex, or has a strong drive for it. Sometimes people are hurt, but it’s not even the most common reason. It’s okay to not have any real desire, you know? Do you actually want this? Because you don’t have to. I’ve met loads of people, and there’s plenty who just don’t.” 

Huh. 

He did not, in fact know, that that was an option. 

Huh.

“Huh,” he tells Cel, because he doesn’t have many other thoughts in his brain. 

“And that’s normal? Even if they might want to fall in love one day?” 

“Oh of course! People are really a lot more complicated than you might think. Tons of options. Just normal variation across the species. Do you know how many animals are gay? Or have more than two individuals involved in reproduction? So many!” 

Cel is babbling now. They are still holding him, and he lets his head fall against their chest. He’s learnt a lot in the six months since leaving home, and apparently he’s barely scratched the surface of the wide world. And for another hour, he can follow them wherever they’re willing to take him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I love Cel a normal and healthy amount and am absolutely not touch starved after nearly a year of not being able to hug my friends, don't worry about it


End file.
